How to Know What Matters to You

Do you ever feel like you’re going through the motions, ticking off your to-do list but feeling unfulfilled and lost? Many women tell me they feel the same way, like they don’t even know what actually matters to them anymore.

In this article, you’ll learn how to know what matters to you. We’ll explore how to recognise when you’re disconnected from what matters, why this happens, and what you can do about it.

Signs You’ve Lost Touch With What Matters

Recognising these signs is a helpful step towards learning how to know what matters to you. Are any of them showing up for you?

You might be thinking:

• “I should be happy with everything I have”
• “Everyone else seems to have it figured out”
• “I don’t even know what I like anymore”

You might be feeling:

• Numb or like you’re “going through the motions”
• Resentful about your daily routine
• Guilty for not being grateful for what you have
• Selfish for wanting something different
• Envious of others who seem to have it all worked out
• Empty – even when your day was “productive”

You might be doing things like:

• Saying yes to everything because you don’t know what you actually want
• Scrolling social media looking for inspiration but feeling more confused
• Asking others what they think you should do instead of trusting yourself
• Starting and stopping new activities without sticking to anything
• Staying busy and filling your time with “shoulds” instead of genuine interests

What It Feels Like to Be Connected to What Matters

When you begin to work out how to know what matters to you, you’ll start to feel more like yourself again and your life will change in small and meaningful ways. You’ll find it’s easier to make decisions because you’re no longer trying to please everyone else or meet expectations.

You’ll start protecting your time and energy in a way that feels right, and not selfish. Saying no becomes easier and you’ll feel less guilty. You’ll feel a sense of purpose, like your time is going towards what’s important to you.

You’ll start to make choices that reflect your values and your days will gradually feel more aligned, like you’re living a life that’s true to who you are.

Why It’s Hard to Know What Matters to You

There’s a few reasons why you might be trying to find out how to know what matters to you. Often there are patterns that we’ve got used to which have been shaped by our habits, beliefs and expectations. These can make it hard to recognise what’s important to you.

You might notice some of these in your own life:

You’ve Been Putting Everyone Else’s Needs Before Your Own

We often overlook our own needs, as society tells us our value comes from serving others. But over time, being selfless, helpful or always available makes it hard to recognise what you actually need and want. If you often push your own needs aside, Verywell Mind outlines some common situations when choosing your needs matters most for wellbeing.

You’ve Been Following What You Think You Should Do

Many of us make choices based on what we think is expected of us, or what everyone else seems to be doing. But just because something works for others, it doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

You’ve Never Given Yourself Permission to Explore What You Want

Many women think their needs aren’t important so they’ve never taken the time to think about what they actually want from life. You may have been told that your wants were selfish or unimportant, or maybe no one ever asked what you liked. If you’re not used to tuning into your own voice it can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s something you can learn to trust.

You’ve Been Too Busy or Distracted

When life is busy it’s hard to find time to reflect on what really matters. We go on autopilot, rushing from one thing to the next and trying to think two steps ahead. It’s easy to get distracted by constant notifications and forget to check in with ourselves.

These patterns are very common, so if any of them sound familiar, you haven’t done anything wrong. Once you’re aware of them, you can begin to make changes no matter what stage of life you’re in. It’s never too late to reconnect with what matters to you.

How To Know What Matters to You: Signs to Look Out For

Learning how to know what matters to you often starts with noticing these signals.

How to Know What Matters to You: Simple Ways to Reconnect

To find out what actually matters, we need to pay attention to our energy, our emotional responses, and what feels right for us.

These questions might help you get clearer on how to know what matters to you:

Reflecting on these can guide you towards understanding how to know what matters to you and support choices that feel authentic. The NHS also shares a simple framework, the 5 steps to mental wellbeing which highlights everyday actions like connecting with others or noticing the present moment, which can help you reconnect to what really matters.

What to Do Once You Know What Matters

Once you’ve started to get clear on how to know what matters to you, the next step is to explore your core values more specifically. If you’re wondering how to make time for what matters, read this.

Final Thoughts on How to Know What Matters to You

By paying attention and giving yourself some space to reflect, you can start to learn how to know what matters to you. Start with noticing how things feel, what energises you and what makes you feel drained. Over time, it becomes easier to make choices that feel right for you, and you start to feel like you’re living your life, not someone else’s.

If you’re struggling to identify what matters because everything feels empty right now, you might benefit from learning how to reconnect with yourself when life feels meaningless. For a guided reflection on what matters most to you, try the free Meaningful Living Check-In.